He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
