dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Randomize
