Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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