i may or may not be watching the land before time
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
