Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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