you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Randomize
