We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
