You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
