I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
