I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
