shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
