my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
