Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
i think my mom watched the whole time
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
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