You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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