Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
