Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I have already put on my inside pants.
how drunk are you?
Several
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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