new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
