remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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