why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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