Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
