my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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