i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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