I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
