i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
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