She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
there's paper in my vomit.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
