let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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