I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
