he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
