My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
