the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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