you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
