Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
