hi brent please bring bad word music cd must most bad word please brent bring cd music bad word please brent bring cd music bad word
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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