Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
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