you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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