My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
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