I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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