to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
