This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
