i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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