70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
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