I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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