Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
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