Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
