i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
this boner is exhausting
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
