The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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