mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Randomize
