I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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