Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
