god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
