apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
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